Is this even worth it?
As Nova and I got ready for our walk this afternoon, I silently pondered this question. I’ve recently been trying to get back on track with getting back to a healthy weight after the holidays threw me for a GIANT loop. Gaining weight during/after pregnancy has really done a number on my self-esteem, as it does for many women. Growing, caring, and nurturing a human being inside our bodies for nine months, only to experience the harrowing, yet miraculous act of birthing that being into the world at the end of it? Then afterwards, giving of ourselves, sometimes until nothing is left, to be there and provide for their every need…is it any wonder we often forget about our face and figure until we find the time to look in the mirror? And is it any wonder that, when we do finally take that look, we don’t like what we see
If I’m being honest (and I do try to be!), some days I don’t even want to look in the mirror. I know how I will feel after I do. I can’t stand the sight of my post-partum body. I look back at old pictures, with an almost physical pain in my chest at the thought of how far I still have to go before getting anywhere near back to that point. I often feel alone with these thoughts, but the truth is that is nowhere near the case. In fact, a recent study by researchers at the University of Tilburg in the Netherlands suggests that having a baby can lower your self-esteem for at least three years, especially so for first-time mothers. This hateful internal monologue is unnervingly common. So is it really so surprising? To anyone who has had the experience of caring for a newborn or toddler, I think not.
When I got pregnant, I made a promise to myself that I would do my very best and try my very hardest to teach my daughter healthy habits in all areas of her life and not let her fall prey to these insidious lines of thought. In an effort to do that, I’ve been working diligently to find ways to manage these feelings when they arise. The next time you find yourself tied up in that negativity, you can try one or more of these methods:
• Affirmations
If you don’t know what an affirmation is, don’t worry. It’s just a fancy word for “things we repeatedly say to ourselves out loud or in our thoughts”. I’ll be honest, I didn’t think much of affirmations when I was first exposed to the idea. I figured it was just another way of saying “fake it until you make it”. Looking back, however, I see that the genius of affirmations really lie in the simplicity behind the idea. Every time you unconsciously say something negative to yourself, you consciously counter it with a positive thought. It makes a lot of sense and when I finally gave it a try, I found it worked for me. Here are some simple affirmations you can try:
- “My body carried and bore my child/children. It is strong and amazing.”
- “I am worthwhile and worthy of love.”
- “I love my body and I love myself.”
- “I accept myself exactly how I am today.”
• Find a Distraction
Get up and get busy! When negative, hurtful thoughts start to arise, take a moment to come out of yourself and look around. Is there something, ANYthing you can do with your hands? As parents, how often are we thinking to ourselves that it seems like we never run out of things to do? Well, now is one of the best times to get to doing it! It’s hard to dwell on your pessimistic thoughts when your hands are full of laundry or you’re elbow deep in dishes. This is especially good if you don’t have the time or energy to get out but, of course, you can always do something more pleasant. Take a nice walk or build a blanket fort with the kids. Steal your partner away for a few private, one-on-one moments. The key here is to get yourself doing something that will get you focused on something else. Before you know it, you’ll find yourself too absorbed in the new activity to remember those feelings you couldn’t shake earlier.
• Think It Through
It can sometimes happen that we get so used to hearing this negative self-talk in our heads that we hardly even think much about it consciously. It’s possible you’ve been doing it to yourself for years; a slow drip in the back of your mind that never quite stops, whispering to you that you’re lazy when you leave the dinner dishes for the morning or telling you you’re fat if you sleep in instead of going for a morning run. But it can be truly enlightening to really stop and consciously listen to what we are telling ourselves. Think about the way you talk to yourself. Ask yourself, would you ever talk to your best friend, your child, or your partner like that? Of course not! Then how in the world do we justify treating ourselves in such a manner?! Never forget that you are just as deserving of love as those around you.
• Change Your Point of View
I’ve mentioned a few times now how, if we were to heat these ideas spoken aloud to or about someone we care about, we would be horrified and would never allow it to stand. Well, you can use that as your tool for self-improvement! The next time you feel those dark thoughts creeping into your mind, picture yourself saying the same thing to your best friend. You could even picture yourself saying it to your child. It sounds positively awful, but that’s really the point. While picturing yourself saying those things to someone else you’re exposing just how bad those thoughts are for you and provides you with a chance to view them consciously for what they really are: overblown, often untrue manifestations of your own doubts and fears with no actual grounding in reality.
• Ask for Help
The fact of the matter is, we all need a little help sometimes, and there is nothing wrong with that. Too often we are caught up in trying to be the rock, the glue that holds our family together. Maybe we don’t want others to know we think so lowly of ourselves. Deep down, we may even be afraid that they secretly think the same things. However, hearing from a loved one just how inaccurate these thoughts are can be truly eye-opening. All those flaws and shortcomings we see in ourselves usually go completely unnoticed by others and a little reassurance can go a long way. You never know, it may even lead to laughter over just how absurd some of this self-talk can get.
Facing these feelings of ugliness, self-doubt, and self-esteem can feel virtually impossible. But let’s take a moment to examine the real facts here. We have tools to help us mitigate these thoughts, to help us slow down and refocus on what is important during those times where we look in the mirror and can’t stand what we see. If one of our children told us they experienced these feelings about themselves, we would do anything and everything in our power to reassure them of how beautiful, amazing, and unique they are and give them the tools to cope with those feelings in a healthy way. It’s really both strange and a little sad, that we find it so hard to give ourselves the same love. The next time you find yourself struggling, try to use these tips to show yourself some much-needed love. Is it worth it? YES! You are always worth it!
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